Is how I've been feeling lately.
Quite strongly at present, too.
I find myself rather upset with the current flow of my life-- unsure of where to go from here.
And honestly, quite afraid of what might lie beyond the threshold of tomorrow.
I take a step away from myself to observe what I've accomplished with myself only to see, dejectedly, that I've accomplish... nothing. Nothing whatsoever!
And it frustrates me to no end!
I know it's not good for one's psyche to constantly compare yourself to those around you, but more and more often I find myself doing just that. I look at my siblings and at my friends and see all that they have done with their lives up until now.
But me? Honestly I'm quite sickened with what I see.
Two years out of high school and what do I have to show for myself?
Absolutely nothing. No job, no post-secondary education.
What's wrong with me? Why am I finding it so hard to kick myself into gear and drive this insatiable fear of the world around out of my mind? It's like every time I trudge up the courage to venture forth into the world I fall back into my little hole and resume hiding myself from any and all possible opposition or conflict...
I don't know why I'm so nervous... I don't know why I'm so insecure. But I really want to change this deplorable part of myself. It's disgusting, really. And I am fully aware of this.
I suppose not all hope is lost. I plan on [finally] registering at the local college and starting classes this coming Spring semester... but even still I'm a bit apprehensive. The plan is to major in Graphic Design, but I'm nervous that I won't be cut out for it. Though... nothing ventured nothing gained, right? I'll give it a go, and if it ends up not working, then perhaps along the way I'll find something better suited for me. I suppose I should at least try to bring in a little more positivity on the matter.
I really don't want to disappoint my family, my parents especially, who have scarified and put up with so much for my sake...
I've started looking for a new job, something I hope will be a little less stressful than my last, and start earning an income for myself, instead of having to mooch off the 'rents like a spoiled child... I hope I can push my picky nature aside and settle on something soon. Loafing around the house is really starting to get to me, if that wasn't already obvious enough...
Well anyway, I just needed to get some thoughts off my chest, so I'll leave things at that.
10:32 am.
I really should fix this awkward sleeping schedule of mine...
Ja'--
