Agitated

Is how I've been feeling lately.
Quite strongly at present, too.

I find myself rather upset with the current flow of my life-- unsure of where to go from here.
And honestly, quite afraid of what might lie beyond the threshold of tomorrow.

I take a step away from myself to observe what I've accomplished with myself only to see, dejectedly, that I've accomplish... nothing. Nothing whatsoever!
And it frustrates me to no end!

I know it's not good for one's psyche to constantly compare yourself to those around you, but more and more often I find myself doing just that. I look at my siblings and at my friends and see all that they have done with their lives up until now.

But me? Honestly I'm quite sickened with what I see.
Two years out of high school and what do I have to show for myself?
Absolutely nothing. No job, no post-secondary education.

What's wrong with me? Why am I finding it so hard to kick myself into gear and drive this insatiable fear of the world around out of my mind? It's like every time I trudge up the courage to venture forth into the world I fall back into my little hole and resume hiding myself from any and all possible opposition or conflict...

I don't know why I'm so nervous... I don't know why I'm so insecure. But I really want to change this deplorable part of myself. It's disgusting, really. And I am fully aware of this.

I suppose not all hope is lost. I plan on [finally] registering at the local college and starting classes this coming Spring semester... but even still I'm a bit apprehensive. The plan is to major in Graphic Design, but I'm nervous that I won't be cut out for it. Though... nothing ventured nothing gained, right? I'll give it a go, and if it ends up not working, then perhaps along the way I'll find something better suited for me. I suppose I should at least try to bring in a little more positivity on the matter.

I really don't want to disappoint my family, my parents especially, who have scarified and put up with so much for my sake...

I've started looking for a new job, something I hope will be a little less stressful than my last, and start earning an income for myself, instead of having to mooch off the 'rents like a spoiled child... I hope I can push my picky nature aside and settle on something soon. Loafing around the house is really starting to get to me, if that wasn't already obvious enough...

Well anyway, I just needed to get some thoughts off my chest, so I'll leave things at that.

10:32 am.
I really should fix this awkward sleeping schedule of mine...

Ja'--

Happy Arts

Ah, today, or rather yesterday, considering it's nearly three in the morning, has been rather nice. I've been a bit euphoric since completing my half of an art trade with a friend on Gaia.

I don't mean to sound self absorbed or anything, but I can't help feeling that with this picture I've really begun to improve upon my art abilities. I'm so fired up I can't wait to get to work on my next piece. I've a couple commissions to finish up on from Gaia, so hopefully those go as positively as this picture.

Waaah~ I can't believe how much I actually like the out come with it. Especially since I'm most often bashing my work... Ah, oh well, I suppose I'm allowed to indulge my ego every once in a while!

Well anyway, I just wanted to make a short entry regarding my positive feelings. So I'll part with the image I'm so proud of~ And hope to continue improving my work!

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A side by side because at the time I wasn't sure if I wanted it with the spotted background or not.. In the end I just liked how the side by side looked itself.

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With it now being 3:12 am I'll be signing off!

Fiction and Film

Here's a little excerpt from a Devil May Cry fan-fiction I'm working on. Trying to work through a bout of writer's block which has been plaguing me for quite some time... My inspiration for this story comes and goes-- so it's slow updating... But hey, whatever works, as long as I'm actually working on this right? Right.

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"Are you hoping to catch something with your mouth hanging open like that or what?" He laughed, refereeing to the stupefied look on your face.

If you had been in full control of yourself you would have shot back a heated retort to the comment, but as his voice rolled over your ears and with his face so close to your own it was as if the final nail had been sealed in the coffin containing your sanity.

There was no doubt about it now. No doubt that this was not some sort of nightmare, hallucination or anything of the sort. No doubt about who it was before you. No doubt about where you were, and where you most definitely were not.

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Now then, jumping to my next topic: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

A friend and I managed to catch the film last night and I have to say I really enjoyed it. I got a lot of mixed reviews on the 2007 sequel of Transformers from friends and family, but after seeing if with my own eyes I have to say I was generally pleased with the film.

I thought it felt a bit faster paced than the first film, I suppose that might have been due to all the fighting, but I'm not complaining. It was great to see all the new Autobots and Decepticons introduced in Revenge of the Fallen, but like a friend of mine said, it was rather sad that it seemed like a lot of robots were brought into the movie just to be blown up... And then there was all the Megan Fox fan service...

No doubt there were things about the movie I didn't like, but ehh. It was easy enough to ignore the annoyances.

Overall it was a good movie, if you haven't seen it I highly suggest you go do so! Or at least snatch a DVD when it comes out for home viewing. ♥

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Last but not least on my list of things to ramble on about today: The Secret Saturdays.
I may have entered "adulthood" [whatever that might actually entail] but I still like to take the time to enjoy a good and interesting show.

I caught the latter half of the season finale this morning [half asleep might I add], and am actually waiting to catch the East Coast feed so I can watch the episode from the beginning, and I must say that even with the unsurprising revelation of Zak being Kur I can't help but love this show more with every new episode.

I really hope that this show carries on for at least one more season after the third. That is as long as the series can retain what makes it ...well... it. Yeah, I know, that made a whole bunch of nonsense, but whatever.

But seriously. There aren't too many interesting shows on Cartoon Network anymore, not any that contain much of a storyline anyway...

Looking forward to the third season and what will happen with the Saturday family~ But until then I suppose I'll have to make due with re-runs.

It's 10:23 AM and I'm signing off!

Copic Markers

I recently got a hold of some Copics, which I have been wanting to test out ever since getting in to using markers for arts. I must say that the markers are freaking sweet! I have 11 copics right now, and if not for the hefty price tag they come with, I would most definitely splurge like crazy on them... But unfortunately current circumstances don't permit me to do that.

Perhaps later.

I've used them a little bit since buying them -- and the difference from them and my current brand of markers [Prismas] is crazy! I love the brush tip for the copics so much! But don't get me wrong, Prismas are awesome, but Copics are just that much better; they beat Prisma by a landslide in my opinion!

I need to start drawing some more, if only so I can use my Copics... I still need to get some blues, purples, yellows, and more shades of gray among others... But gosh... at just about $40 for five markers... plus tax... They definitely burn a hole in your wallet!

[Excuse the horrible picture. I took it with my webcam. I'll eventually get to scanning these drawings...]

My second drawing done with copics -- used prismas for the red skin on the ear fins though -- and I would like to say it looks decent enough. I'm honestly really proud of how it turned out. I most definitely still have far to go, but it's not too bad. I need a lot of practice with proper shading for the face and just everything in general... I need to work on coming up with poses, backgrounds, and drawing males. Three major issues that always seem to plague me. Meh meh.

Well anyway, I suppose for now that's all I have to ramble on about. So it's 2:33 am and I am signing off!

General Update

We're so far into the summer and I have yet to go swimming...
I will need to remedy that quite soon! There's still time yet!

Along with the general this and that of life, I have more miscellaneous things I'm currently working on.

I still have those seemingly ever present arts I owe people across the internet, but aside from the art I have also been working on my current fan-ficton project. A Devil May Cry story that has been getting the best of me for a while now. But I have finally managed to crack through my writer's block for that story and have started writing up the next chapter. I hope to have that done before week's end.

I'm finding that I'm really enjoying this story of mine, which is a good thing, since I typically get bored with my stories after so long. [Usually right after the first chapter actually. = u=;]

Taking a step back to art, I forgot to mention that I finished that flame horse a week or so ago. I'm rather proud of how it turned out!



Anyway, I do believe that's all I have to say at this time, so I'll go ahead and stop here for the day.

It's 6:05 pm and I am signing off.

Vacation Begins!

After a day that had started off normal enough and abruptly progressed into something incredibly hectic, I have managed to make it in one piece to my friend's house, who I will be staying with until late August. I am really looking forward to this vacation! It has been a little over a year since she moved away and I have to say after such a long absence, though keeping in touch via phone and internet, it is really refreshing to be able to see her in person!

I am looking forward to whatever we might be doing during my stay, and really appreciate that she and her father were willing to hosting me through the duration of my visit. It's always great to be able to hang out with your closest friends as it seems that it only gets harder and harder as the years roll on.

The main attraction for this vacation aside from getting to hang out with my BFF is the Anime Convention we will be attending in mid August. [Or at least hope to] This will be my first time ever going to such an event and even though it is a little over a month away, I can barely contain my excitement!

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While on this trip, I will continue to work on various art that I owe some people across various Internet Communities. And along with that, I will also continue to think about what I will do when I return home. On the list is registering for college, which needless to say I am still very nervous about, and getting a job. Also a bit nervous about that. If only because I am so horrible with my interpersonal skills. I can only hope I manage to get these bad habits under control soon!

All in good time.

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As I come to a close, I would just like to say that I hope my return trip home will not be such a crazy ordeal as it was trying to come here. Pretty messed up stuff -- But I'll spare you the details. ;3

It's 6:29 pm and I am signing off.

Insomnia

I swear I have the craziest sleep pattern... And I can't seem to keep if from fluctuating back and forth from "normal" to borderline insane. I suppose once I start school or a job, which ever comes first [maybe even both] I might manage to get this crazy sleep schedule under control. But who really knows.

Anyway, at the time of writing this it is roughly 3:33 am, about the same time as my last post, now that I think about it...

I'm currently working on a picture that I was requested to do last month. Or maybe it was in May? I'm not too sure.

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However, as I near its completion go figure that photoshop chooses this moment to start lagging. I took a break from the picture and the program for a few hours, hoping the situation would remedy itself, but unfortunately I can see that will not be the case. I'm noticing that the lag really only occurs when I am using the "Smudge Tool", so hopefully after I finish with that portion of the image the lagging will stop...

I haven't spent this much time on CG picture since around February, I don't think. It was my entry for a contest a friend was hosting on Deviant. And I even managed to win! c:

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Funny, how that picture and this one both have to do with some sort of mythical creature. But oh well, the practice is good, especially since I don't tend to CG that often. It's about time I start using this tablet more often anyway. And I think I can see a definite improvement from February's picture and my current project. o uo

Maybe after this picture I'll try my hand working with more human oriented pictures? I think I'm too comfortable with drawing on paper and using other such traditional mediums that I'm just a bit intimidated when it comes to CG. Meh meh. Something to work on in the near future--

Anyway, it's practically 4:00 am, so I think I will try to get a few more hours of shut eye.

With Dawn Approaching

So it's roughly three-thirty something in the morning, and I have no idea why, but I have gone and created myself a blog.

...Yeah. I suppose I should take this as a hint that it is time for bed.
I haven't quite figured out what I'll do with this place, let alone if I will actually make it a habit of returning here and updating.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
Might use this place as something useful, something random, or something just to update when I find myself bored out of my mind. ...or something to collect dust, who really knows~

It is 3:40 AM and I am signing off.